Friday, May 22, 2009

MDF: DAY ONE: "I mean, that's kind of hot if you like the d."

Those assholes at G-bay could take fucking lessons from RyanMDF in auditory and exhaustion torture. Maryland Deathfest, for the uninitiated, is three days of fucking loud-as-shit music, black t-shirts, smelly dudes, and each day runs for an excess of twelve hours. it's fucking brutal as all get out. my friend andrew had gone in years past, and we decided in january that we were going to make the trek. i recruited my new chicago friend ryan, as he has a car, and we successfully made it to maryland yesterday, a journey almost half a year in the making.

was it worth it? even for just today, fuck yeah.

baltimore is a fucking crazy city. on the way back from attempting to buy earplugs, we turned into our friend's street, which was blocked by a big red van. normally in this situation, the big red van would NOTICE us, and move. however, the lady driving it ignored us to continue talking to the two ladies(who were accompanied by two dogs, who looked really embarrassed about their owners). then one of the ladies not in the car staggered over to the car, and leaned into the window to continue talking. eventually, they moved, but not before tossing a bag of treats to the only lady left, who yelled "THESE DOGS IS HUNGRY AS SHIT" at them as a parting note. also, we got an entire delicious chicken with two sides for $14. we consumed it with our hands(ok, i used a fork. i'm a fucking poseur.) as fits people about to embark upon an epic metal journey.

we drove to the venue, eventually found a place to park, and then began the exciting task of waiting in line. i ended up talking to two 19 year old kids from philly, and a couple from sweden who were all charming, though the 19 years weren't deathwish inc fans(fools!) upon entering the festival, i was immediately accosted by a woman who asked me if i liked naked ladies. trapped in an awkward moment, i said "NO!" which confused and stunned her, and i escaped. we later found out that MDF was sponsored by 'harm city harlots', a local burning angel/suicide girl ripoff(more on this nonsense later.)

first band:
hero destroyed: i dunno, ryan and i bought merch. best score: bolt thrower shirts!
triac: andrew and ryan liked these guys a lot. i enjoyed them, but was not overly impressed. fun sort of punky fast stuff.
jig-ai: fucking gore-grind pig squeal bullshit. offensive on a musical and thematic level. ryan and i went merch shopping again. i bought sweet black metal tapes!(skyforger, peste noire, other french black metal) the vendor loved my henchmen 24 shirt, and we had a nice talk about the ending of season three of the venture bros.

shirts worn today:
andrew - malignancy t-shirt. multiple copies spotted
ryan - burnt by the sun shirt. no copies.
ed - henchmen 24. one copy, which prompted a spontaneous "WHAT THE FUCK? I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS" exchange between myself and the other gentleman.

dethklok shirts were spotted, along with slipknot, avenged sevenfold(this guy's girlfriend was wearing a high on fire shirt. we think she dragged him. also, she's slumming), and AN AALIYAH SHIRT.

sayyadina: these guys were fun as shit. grindy stuff from current(or former, we're not sure and i'm too tired to check right now) general surgery members. sound mix wasn't great and so some of the music was lost in the sound, but the members looked like they were having the time of their life, and the music ripped. good good time. important note: the guitarist hocked a loogie into the air, and then caught it in his mouth. this is gross. grosser things happen later on.

gnostic: this was one of those bands were half the band seemed to be on a different page from the other half. one half wanted to be a tech-death metal band, and the other half wanted to be new jersey metalcore from 1998. it was a bad mix, and they were not fun to watch, so we headed outside for...

cattle decapitation: awesome stuff. their new cd is fucking killer, and they mostly played stuff from it. their lead singer is the grossest dude we saw all day, as he literally drooled all over himself. the highlight was when he hocked a loogie into the air, caught it, and slammed it onto his shirt. this also suffered from a weird sound mix, but was still fucking fun as hell.

marduk was supposed to play, but couldn't get into the country, so cephalic carnage played instead. they were fucking lame, and ryan and i walked around downtown baltimore instead. i bought a power bar. it was delicious. we caught the tail end of their set from the parking lot. they brought a guy in a weed suit out onto the stage. fucking stupid.

pigsty: holy shit. this fucking RULED. grindy shit with three different styles of vocals(ree-ree stuff, screeching, and death growls), and a lot of near-breakdowns that slammed back into blasting. totally awesome, totally fun, and i really kind of want to check out the czech grind scene now.

mayhem - worst band of the day. terrible sound(one of the guitars sounded like it was cutting in and out consistently, like wha-wha kind of.), and boring as heck. super bummed about this. instead of watching these guys, we wandered around, and bought more shit. i found the new kill the client on vinyl. stoked! after this, we were browsing the willowtip table, when the merch girl said "buy $20 of merch, and i'll take my pants off. i'll take my shirt off, and i'll take the best picture of your life." i replied, having been propositioned earlier in the evening, "man, why's everyone forcing naked ladies on me at this place?" she revealed that she was one of the harm city harlots, and then tried to figure out why i didn't want to see her breasts. i tried to explain that i just didn't really want to see naked people at the metal show, and she came to the conclusion that i must be gay, or in her words "that's pretty strong evidence for you liking the d." she went on to justify that that'd be hot if i did, but... still...

terrible alt-porn lady, you made me uncomfortable in ways that the gore-grind band could not accomplish.

apparently she did this to a lot of 'customers'.

we caught a bit of withered, who were a surprise addition, and it was enjoyable, but muddy, and the other two liked it more than i did. i like their album enough, but weird sound mixes bother me more than i'd like, really.

asphyx: fucking awesome, probably my favorite set of the day. asphyx play old-school straight ahead death metal with not a whole lot of complications. they're like a machine set to pummel, not puree(ala pigsty). wreck your fucking neck. awesome stage presence, awesome music, there was everything to love about this.

afterwords, we wandered around, caught 30 seconds of venomous concept(consensus: we're tired, and these guys aren't as good as asphyx, which is not a fair comparision, really.) we then left, ate at mcdonalds, and came back here.

awards of the day:

cutest girl: girl who had a cute purse with fruit on it, and the same wolves in the throne room shirt as i have. ponytail, brown hair, attractive ear piercings. too bad her boyfriend was slobbery and bearded.

cutest boy: hmm. this is harder. probably andrew.

worst shirt: either the "it'll hurt if you don't swallow... BITCH!!!" devourment shirt, or the "high on queef" shirt for an unknown band. both atrocious.

best shirt: this friend of andrew's had a fucking AWESOME coffins shirt. really simple, just the logo, but classy. there was also a great breather resist shirt i saw with a cat.

douchest guy: there was a guy with slicked back hair, and a volcom shirt next to us during cattle decap. he danced ironically, and was easily the most punchable human being i've met in awhile, maybe since last march. goddamn, i hated him.

dumbest people: easily the guy in the chicken suit. it was fucking hot as balls!

shit bought:

1 comment:

katie said...

i am most likely the girl who made you uncomfortable. i'm sorry, just doing my job.

hopefully secretly you like porn.